Conversation Described
At the heart of the entire approach is a renewed understanding of ‘conversation’ which, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, comes from its Latin root where it implies a place of habitation, a home where those ‘in conversation’ share a common life.
In contrast to more combative ways of relating, it suggests a walk of talking together which is exploratory, meaningful and inclusive – where differences of opinion can be held and explored without descending into argument.
Maturing in a climate of non-judgemental acceptance, conversation holds the capacity to transform relationships and contribute to the building of healthy, welcoming communities for the benefit of all.
In our use of the term, a good conversation may be helpfully described as:
- a mutual exploration of ideas, beliefs, values and meanings.
- a meeting of hearts and minds where personal truth is shared and exchanged.
- a place of safety where what is considered important may be spoken of without fear of judgement, ridicule or recrimination.
- an occasion of loving attention where whatever is said is received, reverenced and acknowledged.
In summary… ‘an interpersonal journey undertaken by friends who are prepared to be changed by what they may subsequently discover.’
“I first fell in love with the practice of conversation when I experienced for myself the sense of unity, of communion, that is available in this process. Good conversation connects us at a deeper level. As we share our different human experiences, we rediscover a sense of unity. We remember we are part of a greater whole. And as an added joy, we also discover our collective wisdom. We suddenly see how wise we can be together.”
– Margaret J Wheatley
“To be attentive means to be present to something, to be aware and open to what is going on. It means to focus gently, yet positively, on what we are doing. To live in the present moment is to experience life and not just to think about it. It is to let life teach us. We can spend so much time and energy imagining all sorts of possible situations, while all the time life itself is passing us by. The magic of the present moment eludes us because we are still trapped in the past or fearful of the future.”
– Eugene McCaffrey OCD
Personal Reflection
One of the most important ways in which adults learn is by noticing things and weighing up their significance. To continue to grow in understanding requires attentiveness to what life presents to you in a myriad of different forms.
In the conversational process we are recommending the invitation is always given to stop and reflect. Our experience suggests that the quality of one’s reflection has a direct bearing on the quality of the subsequent conversation. The stimulus material provided provides a focus, or a launching off point for wherever the mind and heart should lead.
For those of us who are trying to live a spiritual life, personal reflection is closely related to prayer – for it is in such moments that we most often notice ‘the still, small voice of God’
Conversation in Groups
Spiritual conversation in groups is a fragile plant, which needs a good deal of care and attention. Although the experience itself can be surprising and spontaneous, meeting in this way is an intentional activity, requiring boundaries and shared commitments – many of which need to be negotiated in advance.
While a positive interaction can never be assured, what seems to be a sensile is the creation of a certain type of environment. A social setting characterised by group safety, trust, non-judgmental acceptance and openness to the perspective of others.
The creation of such a safe, sacred space is a collective responsibility to which all may contribute by:
- listening carefully to whoever is speaking.
- reverencing the gift of each person's unique experience.
- respecting everyone's right to have their own opinion.
- being open to modifying your own perspective.
- choosing not to make judgments about other group members.
- refraining from speaking for too long.
- Sharing your own viewpoint and speaking only for yourself.
- keeping a sense of humour and perspective.
- respecting the confidentiality of this small conversation group.
- being prepared to apologise, if necessary, and to forgive often.
“Opening ourselves to ideas, including those with which we disagree, this is what the good traveller should do. Happy are they who understand the words: ‘If you disagree with me, you have something to give me.’ If those who are with you always agree with you before you open your mouth, they are not companions but shadows. When disagreement is not a form of systemic blocking, when it rises from a different vision, it can only enrich us.”
– Dom Helder Camara
“A key issue is that of the relationship between the facilitator and the rest of the group. Should she contribute to the conversation or be somewhat apart? Should she express her own reflections or put them aside to concentrate exclusively on the facilitative tasks?
In my view, facilitators should occupy the borderlands. They should be sufficiently involved so as to undertake the same risks of self-disclosure as anyone else, while remaining detached enough to intervene appropriately, should this be required.”
– Mark Davis
Facilitation of Groups
Graceful conversation in groups is best achieved when it becomes the collective responsibility of everyone taking part. Nevertheless, it does seem to be necessary, especially when a group is forming (or is meeting only once) that a specific individual takes responsibility for how things develop. It is a time for sensitive leadership by someone who models the best way of operating, manages the interaction and looks after the developing needs of participants, particularly if they are in conflict with one another. This type of leadership is often referred to as facilitation.
The term ‘facilitator’ is one of those titles currently in vogue and is found in a great variety of different contexts. Our use of the word comes from its Latin root, ‘facilis’ meaning ‘easy’. A facilitator, therefore, is someone who tries to make it easy for others to successfully accomplish what they set out to do. In the case of the type of small group we are considering, the desire of the group is to talk about life and faith. Within conversation groups it is the task of the facilitator to help those involved find a positive way of relating, so that the truth they each possess may be expressed, appreciated and explored.
A Model Group Process
Many people joining a group of any kind have concerns about the way it is going to operate. In the sort of group we are envisaging it is difficult enough speaking about things that are close to your heart without having to worry about what might happen next. With this in mind we would like to suggest a particular methodology that you may wish to adopt. While not ‘set in stone’ it describes a well-tried small group interaction, which has proved very valuable in providing a context for spiritual conversation. It has enough structure to allow people new to this activity to feel comfortable and yet is not so confining that it prevents a meaningful response.
Each of these different stages are explained and explored during the training process, but can also be read about by downloading either of two e-books ‘Walking On The Shore’ and ‘Breathing Spaces’.
Preparation
- prayer (prior to meeting)
- preparation of the space
Becoming Attentive
- welcome and “how are you?”
- shared silence and opening prayer
Stimulus and Reflection
- introduction to the theme
- stimulus material
- time alone for individual reflection
Sharing and Conversation
- the sharing of experience
- conversation
Review and Prayer
- looking back
- shared silence and closing prayer
Before Leaving
- refreshments and informal chat